So, why can't I?

A lot has been going on since my last post, I have just been a lazy blogger! LOL
We did our first round of Clomid and are still "trying," I have 2 appts this week to have tests ran and blood drawn, for what exactly you might ask, well, I am not sure!! :-)
I am taking on a new position at work and am super stoked. I am a little scared that I might fail, but more excited and ready to make it into something BIG!!
I am debating whether or not to decorate for Christmas this year. Last year we didn't want to celebrate and this year, well I am still on the fence. I am leaning more towards not doing it, but haven't decided. My mom thinks I should put out one decoration, she is so funny!
Talking about Christmas, here is where my title comes in.
Mom and I were at a craft show last week and I saw this little girl with the most ADORABLE hat I have ever seen. And I knew right away if Elliot were here that I would ask the girl where she got it so I could buy one. We kept walking around and I kept staring at this precious little girl in this cute little hat. I finally asked her mom where the hat was from and low and behold, she had made it. She told me where to find her on Facebook.
I have debated contacting her, going back and forth. Then I thought, what the hell I am going to.
So I did. She replied back asking how old my child was and asking for measurements. I then explained about Elliot and asked if she could make a tiny one for him and also a general one for a 3 to 6 month old. AND she is going to!! I am soooooo EXCITED!!!
I know this might seem odd, but I am buying this for Elliot for Christmas. I have debated like I said and I was half afraid to tell her I wanted the small hat, afraid she would think I was nuts, but you know what?? Elliot is and always be my son and just because he isn't here, that doesn't mean I can't by things for him, right? I asked myself a hundred times, "so why can't I?" And every reason I could think of started with "other people will/might think..." And I finally decided that's not a good enough reason.
And I am having one made for our "future child." God, please don't let me be jinxing myself. Hell I don't even know if I can get pregnant again, but something in me is telling me do buy these.
And I don't know what it is, but ever since that craft show I can't get these hats off my mind. WHY? I still have no freaking clue, but for some reason I am being pulled and I am just following!! :-)
Gosh I do sound nuts!! LOL Oh well, guess that's not too different from any other day!
If you would like to check out the hats (her main business is photography) follow the link:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/New-Albany-OH/Tiny-Feet-Photography/123165591065311

<3
B

Starting a new journey.....

So I stared on the Clomid today....I am soooo excited....
What I am not excited about is still not knowing when DH will actually be home for a while...this could REALLY screw things up for us....we thought he was done for a while, which would have worked perfect for this cycle, but now who knows....
I still think someone is being a little cruel trying to teach me to be patient.....who knows though.
Some other exciting changes might be coming about, here's hoping!! :-)
There isn't much more going on right now....

Home Again, Home Again

Ahhhhhhh, the sweetness of being home.
It was really nice to get away and spend some time with DH without the usual everyday distractions. BUT it is also nice to be home again.
I thought I was going to have good news, that DH was going to be home for a few months, BUT we just found out he will be gone again for the next 2 weeks, so I guess our first round of Clomid will just be for practice....which I was sort of expecting, but it's still a kick in the head none the less. Patience though, all in good time, right? (LOL)
So the other thing that sucks about DH being gone is that I am taking care of everything. Now we don't have kids, so I can't complain to much, but damn. The truck isn't running right, so I guess now it's up to me to get it fixed. Mr. Procrastination has let it sit in our garage for almost a year, but now that winter is coming back around, he wants it fixed, yesterday....so let's see how bad I can get screwed getting the dumb thing fixed. I have NO CLUE about cars...someone tells me something is wrong, I say ok, how much....I can't research a broken truck like I can other things...and I really don't know very many mechanically inclined males that I can ask for help. So like I said, we will see how much I get taken for getting the stupid thing fixed. THEN I am sure I will be in charge of getting our car fixed, the front end is shaking on it....Blahhhhhh, but I guess at least if he's traveling we won't be stuck without vehicles....
OK, I will quit complaining now!! LOL
Speaking of cars, why is it so much scarier traveling at night? I had a death grip on the steering wheeling driving to and from PA. I am not usually scared driving, but when it was dark, it was scary. And the funny thing about that, I drive home from work 3 days a week in the dark....oh well....
Off to bed for this girly, have to have the truck looked at tomorrow..... ;-)

Out and About

So I ventured out and about today.

I went to a cemetery here in Washington. I read an article in the newspaper last week about a bronze figure that Alan Cottrill did for the baby part of a cemetery. I was curious so I went to visit. Here are some pictures:

It was so surreal being there. There were 2 fresh graves, I lost it. I wondered around looking at the dates and names of the little angels. I came upon a girl who only live for 2 days. Her birthday was yesterday. Someone in her family had left her flowers and balloons. She was born in 1996. She would have been 14 yesterday. My heart fell to my feet. I realized that one day Elliot's 14th birthday will be upon us and I prayed to God that I would still be leaving him balloons. Then as I kept wondering I stumbled across 3 babies that died around the time Elliot did, I am still just speechless. Seeing all of this brought of feelings I had buried deep down. I am not angry, just amazed. I don't know what I was thinking. I know he will always be part of our family and I will never forget him, but I had just never thought about 14 years ahead...I know it sounds crazy but for some reason this thought just hit me like a ton of bricks!

After the cemetery I wondered to the local Outlet Mall here. Went into Coach and drooled!! Too much for me, I will stick with my knock offs! LOL

I have lounged by the pool reading, been in the hot tub and even took a nap already. Now I am just waiting for DH so we can go to Cabela's and out to dinner.

I am guessing I will wonder around more tomorrow. I am getting pretty good at playing tourist!! :-)

ROAD TRIP

As I am writing this, I really should be packing my clothes for a road trip to see DH. He is in Washington, PA, where I plan to visit for a few days. My goal is to leave my cell phone in the hotel while I explore, in all reality though, it will be tied to my hip like it usually is, I am just hoping I can resist texting and facebooking the entire time I am gone, WHICH I know won't happen, but it's something to thing about.
My Mom picked out an Angel for me from the Angel Tree at her work, waiting to see if he is still available...I suggested a boy ages 8 - 13, we did a teen girl last year, so I am trying to keep it even, plus it's wayyyy to hard to buy for a little one....IF money is good in the Miller household come December, I am going to get another one. People in my family have been helped from the Angel Tree and so I am glad we are able to give back, this will be the second year we have done it. I just wish I could do more. There are so many kids in our area that go without. And I know Christmas is about Christ, but you know, it's so commercialized you can't escape it.
Last year, I went kind of overboard, but I couldn't help it. And boy did it feel good. Just knowing she was going to have the things she wanted and needed was awesome. I bought everything from snow boots, to crocs, to art supplies, hair things and jewelry. I am hoping I have the same enthusiasm this year. We didn't really celebrate Christmas at our house because of losing Elliot, it was to hard. I didn't even decorate the house, and let me tell you, I LOVE Christmas and Christmas decorations. I have enough stuff to probably decorate 2 or 3 houses. I am hoping this year I can bring myself to do it. But I am not going to push. But buying for someone who doesn't have much was awesome...
I think my patience is starting to kick in some, some, I said, not a lot, but some.
I am waiting patiently for my cycle to start so we start on the Clomid. I am guessing November might be a little to hectic to actually time everything right, and I am ok with that. Knowing we are on our way makes me feel better. I felt like I was in limbo for such a long time. Stranded screaming and no one was listening to me....that was just my lack of patience. See it's easy for me to be more patient now, I got my way...LOL...for now anyway.
Welp, I am off to work and hopefully to lounge by the pool and in the hot tub this time tomorrow!!

New

So I have created this new blog to start a new journey. I am and always will be Elliot's mommy, but I am not the same person that started my other blog a year ago.

I was very angry and only used my words to express my anger, I am not angry anymore,. Ok, not as angry. I want to journal about my new journey, the other page belongs to Elliot and his memory. Not that Elliot won't be mentioned here, but like I said, this is definitely not the same angry mom writing that did before...Sometimes a clean start is the best start.

A lot has happened in the past few months. DH an I have both started new jobs. We work opposite hours of each other now, but it was a change that we, well I needed. I have discovered my shit limit. You know that limit that you reach and you are done....well not only have I found mine, I have lowered the bar. I will only put up with so much shit from anyone and I am not scared now, there really are more important things in life and I am just sorry it took losing Elliot to figure some of them out. AND I think everyone should find their "shit bar" and stick with it(it shouldn't be very high either)....LOL...it makes for a less stressful person.

So not only do we both have new jobs, but we are going to begin our journey with fertility treatment. On my next cycle, I will start 100mg of Clomid on days 3 - 7, then all of the pricking will begin...I will have to have tests done on day 14 and 21 to check hormone levels. I really don't mind shots or having my blood drawn, especially if the end result it what I want....LOL

DH has been traveling a lot, training for the new job which is going to make things a little difficult, plus with us working opposite shifts it won't be any easier.....but we have waited a year now, so what will be, will be, right?? (I wish I really believed that with 100% of my heart, I want to, I really do, and I figure if I say it enough I will believe it, it's worth a shot right.... :-))

I am planning for a pregnancy though, I know it's a little premature, but I am trying so hard to get things done around my house that have been neglected for the better part of a year, maybe longer and get bills in order....lol....these things don't need done in order for us to have a child, or to even welcome one in our house, but I am trying to do everything I can now to get rid of stress when/if I am pregnant. Being pregnant again is going to be very trying on my crazy, imaginative mind. I don't need to give it any fuel, worrying about things that are trivial.....so I am trying to rid anything trivial from life at the moment. A monumental task, but I am taking small steps to get it accomplished. This is another thing I recommend. I know you're thinking gosh, where did these balls come from? But in all honesty, there are some things in this world we can just live without. Sometimes we can't see it, but if you think hard enough, I am sure you to can come up with some "trivial" stuff to throw out....I did this about 6 months in regards to drama creating people in my life, deciding who made my life more complicated than it needed to be, and I haven't really made a second thought about them. It's funny my whole being is better, just by doing these little things and let me tell you, my mind is thanking me. That big ole mushy thing in my head doesn't constantly hurt anymore, oh and I seem to be less sick!!!

And if you are wondering about the title, I think it is quite clever. My nieces and nephews and some other special little ones call me Aunt B. A lot of family and friends call me B. And my mom calls me Beezer, don't ask, I have no clue, but it stuck. And a lot of the beginning of this blog will be about trying to bring another little one into our home, so there you have it,
"the birds and aunt b."